i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
