You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
