alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You are the jesus of drinking
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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