Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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