The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
