I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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