I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
