Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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