found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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