May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
