Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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