never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
