I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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