Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
