I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
