tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Farmville is her only friend.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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