Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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