All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
