you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
