I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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