Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
