It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
