I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
