i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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