I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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