It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
