I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
