I seem to have left my pride at pride
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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