right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
