one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
