I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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