OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
