In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
