omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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