mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
