I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
