remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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