at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you didnt know i had herpes?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
