Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
