It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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