She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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