I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
not ubering you a puppy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
