I molested 6 butterflies tonight
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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