My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Are my feet made of real feet?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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