I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
