I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
