i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I believe in your delicious
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
