Just fell off a train. Bad.
She even gives head with a lisp.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
