Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
