id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
